Getting on - with siblings

How many people fall out with siblings over the affairs of an elderly relative or their estate? A daughter thinks their mother needs residential care but her sister disagrees. Or a father gives power of attorney to a son but his siblings don’t trust him. The potential for conflict is endless.  

I saw countless bitter family fights during my years on the NSW Guardianship Tribunal, as it then was. Just when they needed each other more than ever, differences among brothers and sisters tore families apart. Sadly, they often started with a misunderstanding and could have been prevented.

Many of the elderly people we saw at the tribunal had disabilities like dementia or had suffered severe strokes. They were not able to make important decisions about their own lives and families were unable to agree.

In one case, a granddaughter – let’s call her Kate - moved in with her much loved grandma, Mary (not her real name). Mary was struggling alone and was delighted with her granddaughter’s company. It also suited Kate, a student, who cooked and cleaned in return for accommodation.

Mary’s daughter, Betty, visited often and took her to appointments and on outings. She disapproved of Kate’s friends being in the home, however, and complained about the mess. Kate was upset about Aunt Betty arriving unannounced, inspecting everything, including Kate’s room, criticising her and making her friends uncomfortable. The feelings of both were very understandable.   

Betty eventually demanded that Kate move out. With the support of her mother, Betty’s sister, Kate told Betty she was no longer welcome to visit. They ended up before the Guardianship Tribunal.

Meanwhile, Mary enjoyed Betty’s visits and appreciated her help and was much happier since Kate moved in. Young people in the house had given her a new lease on life!   

The tribunal gave everyone a chance to talk and be heard. The family realised that they all loved Mary and that she would suffer if she lost either Kate or Betty. This gave them a chance to stop complaining about each other and to work on keeping Mary safe and happy.       

How can you prevent something like this in your family?

I think it is important to remember that:

·       the happiness and quality of life of your parent or elder is paramount – not your peace of mind. Go against their wishes only as a last resort

·       even if you think your elder is making bad decisions, it is their life and their money

·       many of us bear ancient childhood grudges - this one was the favourite; that one got away with murder – and they still affect our relationships. Try putting them aside.  

·       people with poor memories can become confused or suspicious and inadvertently ignite a family fight. For example, you might have borrowed the lawn mower but your father tells your brother you took it. Or Mum accuses your sister of stealing her purse, when in fact, she just can’t find it. This is no-one’s fault.

·       it helps to talk frankly and frequently with parents and siblings, especially about potential flare-up situations, like valuable gifts, changing accommodation or making wills and powers of attorney.

·       if your parent says something that concerns you, you should try not to jump to conclusions. Check with your siblings first.

·       A person whose health is deteriorating can keep up appearances during short calls and conversations. If a sibling who spends more time with your parent believes they need help, they may be right, even if Mum seems fine to you.   

 

If a disagreement arises, plan a family meeting and perhaps ask a family friend or cousin to help keep everyone on track. 

Let each person explain their views without interruption - keep notes of things you disagree with so that you can reply when it is your turn. Remember: the aim is to find the best solution for your parent. Your feelings about your siblings are beside the point and best not mentioned now.

Just keep talking and narrowing down the issues on which you differ until you are all satisfied. Failing this, a guardian may have to be appointed.  

Meanwhile, help prevent arguments among your own children. An enduring power of attorney takes effect if you lose capacity to make your own choices. Involve the family in the decision about who should be your attorney/s and what your wishes are. It is not a sure fix for family feuds but it is a good start!